Somerset Tour 2004

Report by Rob "The Truth" Richardson

Touring Party: Martin Morris, Rob Richardson, David Scally, Richard Burgess, Craig Murray, Barry Needham, Pete Fairbairn, Ken Leon, Matt Rideout, Gary Wallace and Nick Sloman.

Friday – We’re all going on a Summer Holiday
We met at our home ground in glorious sunshine before piling into a minibus that although comfortable, had seen better days. After 6 hours in the bus we arrived at the Horsepond Inn and although we polished off a box of French wine (thanks Craig) and a bottle of whisky (thanks Ken), on the way, we were in need of a drink.
A few pints of Smiles Bitter (it’s miles better!) were followed by a delicious curry at Miahs (formally Castle Tandoori), then back to the Horsepond and Rob’s room for the party that never was. The more professional of the group opted for an early night whilst the late night party goers were entertained by The Bed-Sit Monologues of Craig Murray.

Saturday – Don't Put Your Spell On Me
After breakfast, members of the 2003 Happy Ramblers took to the footpaths and byways of Somerset for a repeat of the previous years perambulations. In common with the previous year they managed to find the small scale cider producer in Cockhill. The ramblers bought as much cider as they could carry (it would have been rude not to) and proceeded to make the long walk home. The sun shone, jokes were told, camaraderie was high, and morale was through the roof. However they were lost and various birds of prey were circling. They will never know how close they were to death.
We all got in the bus and made our way to Kings School, Bruton for the opening fixture of the tour against the Dave Bryant Select XI. Using sly cunning, the Horizontals persuaded Bryant to let the Horizontals bat first, thereby allowing their hangovers to subside before having to field. So Wallace and Burgess made their way out to the batting paradise that is Kings (500 scored in midweek) to begin hostilities.
After skillfully dealing with the opening bowlers, Wallace, who had grafted 6 runs, was bowled and made way for the in-form Sloman. He had scored a magnificent century in his previous game and again looked to be in good nick (Sorry!) as he started his innings.
Burgess had played well for 17 but missed a full toss attempting a typically classic cover drive. Rideout came to the crease and preceded to hit a number of wonderful lusty blows. He was bowled by J. Cant (he could) for 18 leaving Sloman with Needham to carry on the Horizontals Innings. They did with gusto; putting on a hundred partnership of which Needham made 19. Sloman was hitting some exquisite shots and soon reached his century, his second in successive innings, which was remarkable if not a little inevitable. All the same it was a superb effort. Once at 100 and recognising the spirit of the game, Sloman retired to let others in the team have a bat. This brought Morris to the crease who hit 4 runs in singles. What?
Unfortunately there wasn’t enough time for Murray to make his way into the middle, as Needham declared at tea with the Horizontals on 200 for 4. This despite facing Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, all three male members of the Bryant family and a chap known as Black Jeans. Dave Bryant had been advised by his doctor not to bowl, bat, field, shave, get his hair cut nor give up the pies, but bravely ignored medical opinion and bowled a number of overs, purely for the good of the team.
Following a cracking tea, Scally and Richardson opened the attack. All went well for 4 overs. Richardson removing Bartovski and E. Cant (he could) and Scally scuttling J. Cant. So far so straight forward. Then it went pear shaped, someone (we’ll find out) cast a spell rendering Scally unable to bowl straight and Richardson unable to bowl at all. The captain told Richardson and Scally to f**k off and never come back again (What will they do on Sundays now?) and replaced them with Leon and Murray. Leon and Murray both bowled straight and true but the spell that had rendered the opening bowlers useless, seemed to affect everyone as the fielding became increasing lacklustre. The wicketkeeper laughing as balls sped past him for byes. We were looking at an embarrassing defeat.
Thankfully the fielding display was lifted above the mundane by a magnificent, easily-the-best-of-his-life catch at point by Leon, removing the dangerous, pie eating, D. Bryant off the bowling of Morris. The team was so amzed by this piece of Rhodesesque fielding that Leon was later fined for his efforts. Then Morris removed the experienced B. Bryant with a pearler of a delivery and in two overs had removed the opposition’s best batsmen and swung the game back in Walthamstow’s favour.
With further wickets from Murray and Leon the Horizontals had got stuck into the tail and with the total nudging 100, victory was on the cards, but there was still time for a bit of magic.
Tired of chasing after the opening bowlers’ wayward deliveries, the keeper Fairbairn decided to give us all a bowling lesson. With two wickets in two balls he finished off the Bryant XI tail. With no one left to bowl to, Fairbairn would have a chance to complete his hat-trick another day.
So a Horizontal victory by 100 runs. Hoorah!
After drinking all of the cider in Castle Cary we strode triumphantly up the hill to the Wagon and Horses for a Chinese Banquet (well sort of) and then on to the Horsepond for cider and a party at Dave’s room. This was much more successful than the first effort. People turned up, got drunk (on Cockhill cider, lovely stuff) and left richer than they arrived. Top man that Scally; great party.

Sunday – We’re walking in the Air
A lazy morning spent reading the Sunday papers in glorious sunshine before the heavens opened and the rain came down. This looked bad and was in serious danger of causing our game against the local team, Castle Cary to be abandoned.
However, just as the tourists were beginning to dream of a day spent drinking, the rain stopped, the clouds parted and the sun shone. The game was on but not everyone was happy.
After Richard raised morale with some bizarre application of zinc, Needham won the toss and decided to bat first, sending in Murray and Leon to face some of the most talented young bowlers in Somerset. The fielding side were expertly marshalled by the enthusiastic Cary captain and we knew we were in a game. Murray was typically aggressive and smacked the ball around to record a score of 16 runs before being bowled by Jamie and his Magic Ball (a straight one). This brought the bespectacled Morris to the crease, who soon demonstrated that being able to see the ball can dramatically improve performance.
Leon soon joined Murray in the pavilion, closely followed by the umpire who gave him out LBW. Thankfully Leon decided not to kill him.
In came Fairbairn, fresh from Saturdays derring-do. Unfortunately he was out for a duck and in his own words described his performance as ‘hero to zero’. Scally joined Morris with an under-prepared bat which was to prove his undoing. A nuggetty innings of 12 was ended when an attempted lofted off drive failed to carry and instead of flying down the hill for 4, was snaffled by the waiting fielder. This brought Richardson in who scored 15 runs with one of the most cowardly batting performances ever witnessed in Somerset, even his own team mates jeered him. He was mercifully removed after edging the opening bowler to the experienced wicketkeeper, Chandour.
Saturdays opener Wallace walked out, was bowled for a golden duck and walked back in again. Thankfully it wasn’t that far. This brought in the ice cool Burgess whose frosty exterior was in danger of melting in the heat. However, he carried on his good form from the previous day and was soon into his teens. Which was ironic if you consider the age of the bowlers. His innings was ended after being comprehensively stumped, a truth that was clear to all in the town except himself. Unfortunately, Burgess lost his cool and frostily subjected the square leg umpire (Ken, blameless for once) to a disgraceful show of sleety dissent. As he walked back to the pavilion there was clearly an icy glare in his dark as coal eyes.
Meanwhile Morris was building a typically belligerent innings seasoned with some wonderfully entertaining hitting in an attempt get some snow on the ball. It was marvellous stuff. His 50 was well deserved, and thoroughly enjoyed by the not insignificant crowd. With only a few overs to go, he was bowled for 53 and returned to the pavilion to a hero’s welcome not only for the runs and the promise of another jug, but also for the fact that his bat had remarkably remained intact.
There was still enough time for Sloman to knock a rapid 12, Rideout a crafted single and Needham to nudge a couple without losing his wicket. The 40 overs ended with the total at 151. Would this be enough for Needham to put on his guest celebrity bowlers?
Needham took the risky decision to open with Scally and Richardson, still potentially spellbound by the evil spirits of Kings School. It quickly became apparent that Dave’s early attempt to counter the spell with his magical iPod had worked as the openers were removed following some tight early tight. One fell an edge taken by Needham at slip, his partner to a caught and bowled. It was just like watching proper cricket. Sloman came into the attack and was rewarded with the wicket of their no.3, (who could have been Richard’s son), from a regulation catch at square leg. This brought the skipper, Lake to the crease and he dug in along with Ali Bryant and scored important runs. They threatened to take the game away from the visitors as they built up a commanding partnership.
Wallace replaced Scally at Heartbreak Ridge and bowled with venom and purpose but without success; he deserved more. He was replaced by Murray who accepted the challenge to bowl with his usual good grace and soon took the coveted wicket of Bryant. Morris came on up the hill with a good tight burst of bowling and was rewarded with two wickets, including that of the Cary skipper, Lake.
A crowd was now building on the boundary rope. Had they heard Needham’s promise to bowl some guest celebrity bowling, or were they there for the quiz and raffle?
The wicketkeeper, Chandour came in and the flow of wickets stopped and runs were accumulated once more. It was clearly time for yesterdays hero to take off his gloves and complete his hat-trick. The fielders gathered round the bemused batsman in expectation only for Fairbairn to deliver a Peters Pie in a disgraceful display of jug avoidance. 5 pies later and Saturday’s hero was summarily replaced.
The game was now delicately poised, either team could win it. Cary needed about 50 runs from 10 overs, with the batsmen, particularly Chandour, playing well and wickets in hand. Needham had to decide whether to put on his guest celebrity bowlers and risk defeat or go for the win.
In bringing Scally on to bowl from Heartbreak Ridge, Needham signalled his intent, the Horizontals were going for the win. The strategy soon reaped reward as Scally had the dangerman out caught in the gully off a leading edge. More proper cricket. The Cary tail soon disintegrated and the Horizontals won by 30 runs. All 10 wickets had been catches in a much improved Horizontal fielding display which included Needhams 97th, 98th and 99th career catch.
Another good days cricket was finished off with news of the weather forecast for the following day. Rain was predicted. Cheers were heard. Fatigue was clearly beginning to set in.

Monday – Singing in the Rain (Hopefully)
We got up for an early start for Bruton C.C. 8 a-sides ball chasing competition, captained by Murray. We give Dave Bryant the now customary run around before finally finding the venue.
Our first game was against a mob in matching shell suits, could we steal an early victory? Who cared? We were knackered and wanted to go home. Scally and Nick cannily excused themselves from the first game, lucky b******s.
The Horizontals opened the batting with Morris and Richardson. In the first over neither managed to hit the ball but they still managed to run 7 runs. In the second over Morris was run out, which was to set out the pattern for the rest of the afternoon as Richardson ran out of partners or ran out his partners and the Horizontals finished with a sorry total of 28.
Burgess opened the bowling with some wonderfully straight medium paced bowling, but it was to no avail as the opponents knocked off the required runs in 14 balls and were safely back in their shell suits before they got too cold or they could be told apart.
The second game was against our hosts for the day Bruton C.C. We batted first again with similar results. A low score, 30 odd, knocked off quickly by the opposition. Where was our promised rain?
Game three was a wee bit more competitive; this time the Horizontals were asked to chase 55. They didn’t.
We were out, but weren’t bovvered.
Then it started raining, but it was too late to save us.
Back in the minibus and back to London for 8.00pm. Many thanks to Martin Morris for a great driving effort.